I have seen how much my heart has been given to God. I just feel it, I feel a yearning and a desire to do what He wants me to do. Before my mission, I was maybe slightly influenced, consciously, by what my Father in Heaven wanted me to do with my life. Though He may have been unknowingly guiding me, I still felt like it was my life, my decisions.
Well that has changed in me a lot as I don't want my life to be for me anymore. I really want my life to be for Him, for my G-d. I have found so much peace and happiness as I have put my wants second and His wants first. I mean, just so much peace! Sorry, there is a fly flying around and bothering me. Okay, yes, peace.
I don't think I really understood what it meant to consecrate my life, to really be a member of the Church. In a way, I made some of my covenants sort of innocently, unknowingly. I mean, I had a knowledge when I made them, but now I understand them more completely. And I have really come to learn that those covenants mean so much more than I ever thought. Those covenants mean everything. God means everything to me now.
I just want to live my life so that I can continue to be His tool, so that I can continue to let Him work through me no matter what that call may be. I just know that if I do that, then I will become a better person than I ever expected, and I will do more good than I could ever know. So I think that is the biggest change I have seen inside myself. My desire to continue to do His will the rest of my life. And the ability to recognize and follow that will.
Another thing I have learned is that that will is different for everyone. Yes, some things are the same for all of us. Christ has laid that out clearly to us in His Gospel. But all of the details are individual, the Gospel is for everyone individually. I have learned so much about that. We are individuals with individual talents and strengths.
I think also, this sense of consecration and this strengthening with my Father in Heaven has caused me to also chill out. I just feel less stressed. I have really learned that the things which I don't need to control, I don't need to control! I can just trust in G-d. The only choice I need to make, is to trust Him. I can feel it in my heart, too, when I am trusting Him. There is always a very prevalent peace that comes when my heart is trusting Him. Some days I do better than others, but that is okay, because improvement is a part of this Gospel.
I just feel like my eyes have been even more opened, and I know they will continue to be for the rest of my life. It's just so cool, though. My mission has cultivated within me a yearning to learn more, to search for truth and to understand my Father and the things of God better. I really feel like the path in front of me is as long as ever, but I can see it clearer now. Maybe not the details clearer, but the direction of the path is clearer. I have no idea what the future holds, but I have learned how to handle the fact that I have a future.
Man, missions are the best. The Gospel is great. I love being a missionary. I love sharing this happiness with others, no matter what form that may be. I love it, I love all of it! And I know that that love comes from God because all that is good comes from God. All that is not good, God allows to happen, yes. He allows it to happen. But if we learn of Him and of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, then we can also learn why he allows it to happen. We just have to search and ask and pray and search some more!
Well, I love you all. Keep smiling and keep praying. Praying helps you keep smiling. I have a definite testimony of that!